Same Thoughts, New Day

I have fears for both my girls as little Hannha's due date slowly approaches. And they are fears I've talked about many times before, but they're getting more real as the days go by. Most of the cause, I'm sure, is hormones; but I have a hunch that the other reason for feeling these things is because I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure in a way. I know having 2 children while having a full-time working husband will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. Constantly expressing these fears, I suppose, is my way of preparing myself for the worst - a tactic I used throughout my pregnancy with Lyla. Better to prepare with the worst in mind, instead of day dreaming of perfect children, sunshine and daisies. So, here I go again:

I have this extreme guilt at times for having a second child. I feel terrible about having to share my time, my love, and my patience with 2 little ones, instead of being the cool, calm, collected mother of 1. I fear that Lyla will experience a much less tolerant mommy, due to a combination of lack of sleep, round the clock nursing, and doubling my mother-load; and it's just not fair to her - she's going to be going through a great change, too, and I fee terrible knowing that I may be more snappy or less willing to talk her through her temper tantrums and emotions; especially knowing that first born children tend to regress after the birth of a sibling for attention, among other reasons. I know that I am feeling more sensitive to Lyla's feelings now because I KNOW her; Hannah isn't born yet, and I've yet to create the bond with her that I have with my sweet 2 year old. It's hard to believe that there's enough love in me to love another child as much as I love my girl, and I know that there is, but without little Hannah here, I can't help but feel clingy and sensitive to Lyla's feelings.

Another thing that saddens me, which Eric brought up during one of our conversations about Lyla, is that Hannah will never experience the alone time with mommy the way Lyla has. To her, there will always be 2, and she'll never know any different. I will have had nearly 3 years of one-on-one time with Lyla by the time the baby enters the world, and this is something that baby will never have the chance to know. Because of this, I worry that I won't be able to put in the efforts that I had the ability to with Lyla, because I will be juggling two. Luckily, Lyla starts pre-school a few months after Hannah is due, and that will give me alone time with my new baby girl to laugh, play and teach. But somehow, when it comes to your kids, it never feels like enough. I wish I could clone myself so that my children can have equal time with me, but I can't. Sometimes I think "how can I be the best mother I can be when I can only give each of my children half of my time?" I can't imagine how full time working mothers must feel.

I've also come to terms that "me time" will simply no longer exist. When I had Lyla, I would nap when she napped, or use that time to do chores, catch up on reading, or phone calls with friends. Now, with Lyla's napping slowly coming to a close (there goes my dream of both children napping at the same time...) I will put Hannah's nap time to best use by doing things with Lyla that may be difficult with an awake baby, like messy crafts. I'll be moving in shifts: Hannah's shift, then Lyla's shift, repeat. I'll be in total survival mode those first several months, and will keep the big picture in mind of my children being old enough to do things together.

Top all that with still finding time for Eric and I, chores, etc. Oh, the life of a wife, and I wouldn't change a thing, however, I did talk to my doctor today about some serious long term birth control ;)

I look forward to the "challenge" of 2 children; preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. At least this time, I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel of each phase; newborn, teething, terrible 2's...you name it. I've been there, done that, and think I'm crazy to be doing it all over again, but cannot wait all at the same time.